Thursday, March 01, 2007

Oh yes, it's Ladies' Night

Wizards lose, Terps win (at Duke!), and I am neither smarter than a fifth grader on TV nor the fourth grader who calls me Dad, but what you really want to know is, what about American Idol last night? Before we get into individual reviews, I think it's obvious that if this were Survivor, and the tribes were divided by race, it wouldn't be much of a contest. Let me be clear, I am not making a general statement about race, I am only talking about these 10 people, but I haven't seen white chicks this bad since Shawn and Marlon Wayans. Now, before I lose my balance on this fine line I am trying to walk, let's take a look:

Gina Glocksen: The Red Stripe girl (Hooray Beer!) wore a dress that matched the tint in her hair and opened strong with Heart's "Alone." I hope the singing thing works out for her because in real life, she's a dental hygienist. Hey, Tuff Goth Girl look probably works really well in an afterhours club, but not when you are getting ready to poke sharp objects into my mouth as I go under the anesthesia.
Status: Glocksen locks in another week

Alaina Alexander: "Not Ready to Make Nice" by the Dixie Chicks was also not ready to be in tune. The Daily Racing Form always includes a history of past performances by a horse. Good ones get words like "driving," bad ones "outclassed." Alaina was not driving.
Status: Adios, Alaina

Lakisha Jones: Moving from excruciating to enjoyable, Simon's favorite turned in a melodic "Midnight Train to Georgia." A musician thoroughly in control of her instrument, Lakisha appeared and sounded very comfortable. Some of the contestants on this show are overreaching, others are just having a good time.
Status: Lakisha lakicks labutt.

Melinda Doolittle: Dedicating her performance with an Oprah reference that was lost on me and every other man watching, Melinda maeda strong bid to overtake Lakisha with a "My Funny Valentine" that you might actually pay money to hear. Nothing fancy, just professional quality vocals. Back to the horseracing for a moment, I'm going to box Melinda and Lakisha for the exacta.
Status: The Doctor is definitely in the house.

Antonella Barba: Google's Miss February sang a badly off-key Because You Loved Me by Celine Dion. Allow me to summarize with the email I sent to Tony Kornheiser this morning, which he read on the air. Dear Mr. Tony, Antonella Barba stinks worse than your show. Last night while she was singing, my dog hid her head under the sofa cushions. No, wait a second, that was me. As they would say in your old neighborhood," Antonella, ohmigawd, I hate huh!"
Status: Farewella, Antonella

Jordin Sparks: Another player in my favorite AI game, Dwarfing Ryan, Jordin threw a solid punch with Christina Aguilera's Reflection. I think it was Bill Simmons who recently mused, "Five years ago, who would have predicted that Britney would go crazy and Christina would be the normal one?" Anyway, Jordin may not have what it takes to win the whole thing, but her dad played in the NFL, and we wouldn't want to make him angry, now, would we?
Status: Sparks plugs onwards.

Leslie Hunt: Seems like a nice person with a nice voice whom I could imagine making a decent living singing in a blues club in her hometown of Chicago. And I have learned since yesterday, that the song she (and A.J.) did, Feeling Good, is a well-known Broadway tune covered by such notables as Nina Simone, Sammy Davis Jr., and Traffic. In baseball parlance, she would probably be a late-season addition to the forty-man roster.
Status: Still in the Hunt

Haley Scarnato: Queen of the Night? More like Queen of the Damned. Okay, not that bad, maybe Queen of the Darned or Dratted. And I already used my Jackie Earle Haley line this week ... wait a sec, I got another one. Jackie Earle Haley, Haley Joel Osment, obviously she needs to start using a middle name if she really want to make it.
Status: Scram, Scarnato

Sabrina Sloan: Is it just me, or does the phrase "Girl Detective" just tumble off the tongue after you say her name? Like Haley, she went against conventional Idol wisdom and chose a Whitney Houston song, All the Man I Need. Unlike Haley, she brought it off pretty well right up to the last note, which I thought she missed. Still, in the words of Clint Eastwood, "There's two kinds of people in this world: those who have guns, and those who dig."
Status: No need for Sabrina to pick up a shovel just yet.


jon said...

Any comments regarding the terrifying makeover of Kellie Pickler?

Bill Fitzgerald said...

My older son asked why we were chuckling while she sang and the Doc replied, "Daddy's laughing at her new hairstyle."

Too bad they couldn't have surgically improved her voice.